Oh Jack, you are so loved.

None of my other posts were written over multiple days at 3am.  And certainly not hooked up to a breastmilk pump.

My life has changed quite a bit in the last three weeks.....I became a mom!  In going from "Sick Nora" to "Mor Nora" I went from sleeping 11-12 hours straight a night (not including daytime naps!) to 4-6 non-consecutive hours a night.   I went from spending most of my day thinking about how I could improve my health to spending most of my day thinking about how to care for a small human on decidedly less sleep.  I think I must have magical mother superpowers to have made this shift happen without hitting a wall.  Who am I kidding?  It wouldn't be possible without all the support from Anders, our family and friends.

I continue looking at little Jack in amazement that just three weeks ago he was inside of me.  Those little toes that I can now hold in my hand are the same ones that I felt kicking the top of my stomach.  Those little lips are the same ones we saw in profile on the ultrasound scans.

Jack was born a month early at 2237 grams/4.9 lbs and 46cm/19in.  Anders and I went to the hospital that Tuesday morning as we were in the habit of doing most Tuesday morning.  It was just supposed to be a routine check to ensure that Jack was doing alright through my cancer treatment.  But....our doctor noticed that there was considerably less amniotic fluid than the week before.  Turns out my water had broken and I hadn't even noticed!  Our doctor announced, "Nora, you won't be going home again until your baby boy is born".  Oh my.

Anders canceled all of his meetings and went home to go change out of his suit and pack a bag for us.  I tried to take a nap on the hospital bed but was really just lying there in disbelief.  Instead of being induced from the outset my body was naturally going into labor!  I don't know if it was the raspberry leaf tea, the dates, the rebozo, the osteopath, not leaning back, not sleeping on my back or any other of the esoteric ways believed to bring about labor that I tried - or maybe the time was just right.  Only the night before I had said to Anders that, while no one can feel fully ready, I was feeling as ready as I could be for Jack to arrive.  Nice to know Jack takes instruction well.

According to many natural birth experts, if you get to the hospital too early, there is more time for interventions, so the key is to labor at home as long as possible to avoid that.  I didn't have the luxury of avoiding the hospital for as long as possible.  There I was hooked up to a million machines but I was so happy that my labor had started naturally that it made me feel confident that Jack and I could avoid complications.  Even though my body wasn't in it's top form post chemo I was ready for the journey ahead.

From about 7am to 7pm I naturally dilated to 5cm (out of 10 cm).  Usually it takes about 10 hours for a first time mother to dilate the rest of the way from 5cm to 10.  It took me 2.5 hours.  At about 7:30pm I was induced with an IV drip to augment contractions since it's best to give birth within 24 hours after your water breaks to avoid infection.  In mere minutes I went from managing the contractions fine to not being able to speak.  I just wanted to crawl out of my body for relief.  The key is to relax in between the contractions as much as possible so you can build up energy to get through the next one but it just felt like one big contraction.  Right when I was starting to consider asking for an epidural the nurse (jordemor in Danish) told me to push.

At first it took me awhile to get a hang of pushing. I had been focused on my breath through the intensity of the contractions and now I was supposed to push through contractions while holding my breath – the opposite of what I had been doing all day long.  Somehow I missed the concept of holding your breath and pushing in birth prep class and taking in new information was not my forte at that moment.  I kept my eyes closed and gave it my all until I heard the words "Nora, open your eyes.  Your son is here".

And at 10:01pm, with Bach's Cello Suite by Yo-Yo Ma playing in the background, there he was.

Despite 8 months of being pregnant, when seeing Jack for the first time, I was in shock and awe that he had been inside me just minutes before. Our little Jack had arrived safely into the world.

The next day we learned from the umbilical chord analysis that Jack was never under any of the stress during birth that the doctors were concerned may cause complications post chemo.  He's small and had a few issues that required that we stay at the hospital for five nights and go back and forth to the hospital each day for his first two weeks but they were all manageable and common complication with premature babies.

The day after Jack was born we also learned my doctor's perspective on the birth - thankfully she wasn't there to offer those words of encouragement the night before.  She asked me if I thought I was going to die during the birth!  Um, no.  Apparently, it's highly unusual to dilate from 5 to 10 centimeters so quickly and doing so basically skips the breaks in contractions which can cause moms to panic.  To be clear, there was a fair amount of panic on my part but I'd take it over a multiple day labor any time.  The nurse kept ensuring me that Jack was going to be born by the end of her shift if I stayed focused so I just beat up poor Anders a little more and, literally, pushed through.

Over the last three weeks Jack has already changed so much and, while I didn't know it was possible, my love for him has grown even more.  I've been overjoyed to be able to exclusively provide breastmilk for Jack for these first three weeks (with the help of breastmilk donations from a truly amazing friend with a son close in age to make up the gap in my own production).  Now we'll make the switch to formula as I gear up for 18 rounds of radiation.  My mom and Anders' mom will be coming to town to provide us with extra support and Jack with extra love.  Oh Jack, you are so so loved.